thus making me awesome and them whores
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
