hell yes lets make some ravioli
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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