I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You are a genius and a whore.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
