The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
