i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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