I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
