I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
