Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches