I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
