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tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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