My entire life is one complicated drinking game
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk