I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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