3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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