I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
