There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
