ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
