Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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