The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
