just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
