the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize