its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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