i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
