I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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