why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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