I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
