cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
this beer tastes like vomit already
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
