atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
