A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
