Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
