I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
