mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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