If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
