2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
