New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
