I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want her autograph on my taint
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize