you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
