That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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