You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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