The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
