Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
