i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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