rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
