I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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