so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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