i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
