man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
