you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
