Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I have feelings that need drinking.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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