Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
