I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
