Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
