i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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