i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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