Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Randomize
