On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
