I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
