That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
