I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
