I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
