that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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