So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
