well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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