he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
