I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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